Somehow we are stuck in a cycle of negativity. We can’t work out why Boyo is struggling as much as he is, Christmas is coming which fills up some anxiety. Equally the other evening he was asking questions about his birth family. So possibly he is making a leap forward in his understanding of his life story. Perhaps something has changed at school. Perhaps it is all these things and more besides.
Whatever the cause it is effecting all of us. We are all wearing injuries inflif ted. Jelly is picking up the anxiety, so his behaviour is far from where it should be. He is also sad as I keep asking him to move away, he wants to be close but I am trying to make sure he isn’t getting hurt. He wants to make sure I don’t get hurt and will cling on to me and cry and shout when his brother is hurting me.
I gave Boyo a mental health day off school last week. He could not settle to anything. He cried he wanted to go to school. He cried he wanted to stay at home. He shouted and screamed. We want for a walk and he managed about a mile before saying too much.
So right now, I have one boy who is not coping with life. I have one boy who is not coping with his brother not coping. And both himself and myself are struggling to find the way forward,
Tomorrow I have to get up and go to work and pretend everything is wonderful for a few hours. And somehow we will all get through another day and then the next. But this is an early start of our difficult season and it is an awful long time until March when things usually improve.
I saw a very special friend yesterday whose life fell apart at the same time we were deep in infertility territory. We used to say that at some point in the future we would be okay, we would get there. At the moment that point seems as far away as ever.