The memory of feelings…

I am supposed to be planning lessons… but I have many thoughts circling, many of which make my eyes leak and I need to get some of them down.

We are firmly in March now; which tends to be one of our trickiest months. The run between my birthday in mid Feb to Boyo’s birthday in mid March is never easy. Add in Shakespeare week at school (in response to World Book Day), 3 snows days and another day when we sledged Jelly to school and made Boyo walk. Add in the anniversary of him moving. Add in a school residential. And everything is feeling a little bit hard for him and therefore by association everyone else who lives in this house.

There are positives – compared to last year there is very little CPV; only in the worst moments is it appearing. We are getting a lot of attitude and rudeness. He is living constantly in fight mode, nothing is just accepted, everything is argued. Mind you, both boys have added to the bruise tally today today; because it was that sort of day.

There are a lot of feelings to do with Boyo’s birthday; the fear that he won’t get any presents (he had his first one today), the deep set belief that he will be moving to a new family, the worry about his birth mum and his birth siblings is always more intense at this point of the year.

And I think that some of those feelings are the hardest to understand for other people. Everyone expects him to be excited about his birthday, and he is very good at agreeing when asked. But he isn’t, he is scared. And he can’t express that feeling, he can only feel it and react to those feeling.

And today of course intensified those feelings. It’s a day to celebrate mothers. Which is difficult, because even unconsciously he misses his other mother. And on a day like today, it’s hard for me not to think of her (& Jelly’s b-mum), so for Boyo it must be impossible.

He doesn’t trust fully that when we say ‘we’ll love you forever’ that we mean it. He doesn’t trust that he will be with us for his next birthday. We are working on his attachment and his core beliefs, but it is hard and difficult work that will take a long time.

He also doesn’t trust that when we say Daddy is going up after the first day of the school residential that we actually mean it. Until Daddy appears he is going to worry and panic. I need to think of something Boyo can take, so he knows that Daddy will be coming.

It’s a lot of feeling for a small boy, no matter that he is turning 9 later this week. And he hides the feelings well at school so they bubble out so much at home. And at the moment, although I can understand, empathise and accept, I can’t find a way to make it better and that feels wrong. I want to make it better, because I love the boy deeply. But he doesn’t know what to do with that love. And that is really challenging for all of us.


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