It appears that I’ve got to the end of my 30’s, tomorrow is my 40th birthday. The last week has involved several celebrations, lots of cake, alcohol and friends. Tomorrow will involve a quiet day (possibly out) with not much fuss made.
I always find birthdays are a time for reflection; this one for me possibly more than most. When I started this decade I had just miscarried following an IVF cycle. The first 18 months of my 30’s continued in much the same way. In summer 2009 (in a bizarre twist of fate shortly after Boyo was born) we decided enough was enough and went back to our research we had done about adoption and decided that was our way forward.
The end of my 30’s sees me in different place; and by different, I mean truly different. I am mum to two boys, both with learning difficulties, attachment issues and one with probable (so probable that the paed said he did but can’t formally diagnose without evidence of birth mothers drinking or cognitive assessment) FASD.
Life isn’t what we thought it would be. But neither of us would be without the boys.
I am holding onto my job, generally by my finger nails, but holding on as long as I can. I truly enjoy what I do, and truly think my workplace is filled with lovely people, both adults and pupils.
No adopter will be surprised when I say the my friend list has mostly changed since I was 30. Although that isn’t the passing of time so much, as the adoption of two children who came with issues. Some of my friends remain the same, truly there with me walking this path & accepting that sometimes I have to say no. I have added a number of fellow adopters to my friends and also mum’s of children with additional needs.
We’ve moved house in the past decade. I honestly hope not to move again in the decade or two. We love our new house, we love the space we have. I don’t love the amount of work that needs doing still on the house, but we knew when we moved this was the case.
When I started my 30’s I had no idea of what the next 10 years would bring, and I’m pretty certain I can’t predict what will happen in the next 10. However; whilst 10 years ago I was in a dark place, we are surrounded by love, joy and light (and a good helping of trauma).
Sometime around 10 years ago I read something that I have held tight to over time;
Holding onto hope, until the pain of holding on is bigger than the fear of letting go.
I have no idea now, where I first heard this quote, nor where it originated from. But it has held true over the past 10 years. I hope that the 40’s brings something new – I don’t hope for better, just different!