A letter (again)

Dear Parent,

I need your help, please. I know my small boy has a reputation of being ‘naughty’ but it doesn’t help anyone (especially not him) for your children to repeatedly point out that he is naughty. Please can you explain to your child that perhaps my small child has issues to overcome that your beloved child has never had to face and I hope they never do, and no, I don’t know how you explain that to your child, but imagine being the mother of the child that life has happened to.

Small has less language than most of your children. Small finds it hard to express himself and talk to other children, therefore when he cannot make himself understood; he will push other children out of the way. Sometimes he gets really frustrated and will bite your child. No-one feels worse about this than me, but he cannot express himself in any other way.

Small has some medical problems which lead to him being in pain some of the time. If he is tired, it is worse. Sometimes he is tired because he is after 3, and 3 year olds aren’t great at sleeping. Sometimes he is tired because he has been woken up by someone else in my house. Tired and pain equal a grumpy Small.

Small didn’t have the amazing start to life that I hope your child did. He had an amazing carer, but it wasn’t me and it wasn’t his other mum. Before he was born decisions were made to remove him from his birth parents and that he would go straight into foster care. Trust me, no matter how amazing his foster family were, there is a wound made by that removal. I am going to say again, he had an amazing foster family; but again at aged 15 months, without anyone asking him, he left those carers and came into our care. Again, whilst he cannot verbalise that fear, there is a fear inside him.

There is nothing fun that happens in my house before we leave to go to school in a morning. Most mornings my small boy will see my big boy attacking me, hitting me, kicking me & screaming at me. And I am sure that you are now judging me, I must be the worst mum in the world to not have sorted this out. I am just grateful that most of the time I can avoid Big hurting Small.

This letter isn’t about Big and the reasons behind his behaviour (although if you are really interested please ask me rather than gossiping about it; you probably wouldn’t be able to guess the reasons that he is how he is), but a letter to beg you to teach your child to be more understanding.

Yes, small is physical in expressing himself. He doesn’t cope well with different. He gets cross and upset before we come to school in a morning, and doesn’t know what to do with those feelings. He doesn’t always respond as I want him too (again he is 3). We talk daily about using kind hands. We do our best to reassure him.

Time will hopefully help small. But sometimes, when I hear some other child calling my gorgeous boy ‘naughty’ my heart aches. Because he is not naughty, by his behaviour he is telling people that he is struggling with something. I hope you can explain that he is not naughty, but that sometimes he does naughty things because he doesn’t know how else to show what he is feeling.

Sorry. I am sorry if my child has hurt yours, but please help small by teaching your child to say that the behaviour is naughty, not the child. We are trying our best to help him, but it is a long term thing, no quick fix. Sorry.


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3 Responses to A letter (again)

  1. J says:

    You are an amazing mum.

  2. blogfox14 says:

    Aw! This is lovely. I can feel your pain as my Little Bear struggles to express himself too (his speech and language skills are pretty delayed) and he too resorts to expressing himself with his hands. X

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