Nature versus nurture

This holiday we have been lucky enough to meet up with 2 of boyo’s birth brothers…although none of the boys have really grasped what their relationship is, although I did again try to explain on our way home that they share birth parents, it doesn’t make sense to him.

I am always amazed at how like each other the boys look. People look and assume that they are cousins (clearly not brothers as different parents). We don’t correct anyone. These particular brothers are twins who are 15 months older than boyo, so there is a similarity in height as well.

But not only do they look alike, they sound alike and play alike and one of them has similar (but more significant) issues to boyo with learning difficulties and behavioural problems.

It is hard because they have two they naturally compare…one is ‘more’ normal, the other isn’t, boyo falls somewhere between the two (I think). Even the ‘more’ normal one, is behind his peers at least academically…he can though play for himself, which is something that neither his brother nor boyo can do. If boyo has people to play with, he can manage, but other than that, he really struggles (fits into the delay thing).

We talked about the issues that they have had with other son…he has more extreme behaviours than boyo, but things that I could see boyo doing potentially down the line. Boyo sticks with hitting and kicking me and hubby, other twin hits, kicks and bites anyone who upsets him. He is about the same point developmentally as boyo, which is interesting to watch as they have different strengths, but I could see how some things might develop.

They have considered disruption as things have been that bad, but at 6 it obviously felt like too much. The question their mum asked was one that I know others have felt…how can you love someone so much, but not like them. Luckily boyo has an adorable side that he shows more often than not. The problem is, when things are bad, they are bad.

Their mum had no answers, but a shared despair. I hope, hope, hope so much that boyo improves rather than gets worst, but I look at this next brother and wonder. We know their family history…when we first met, we were confident that we could break the cycle for these boys…now she is not sure for other twin, and I cling to hope.

Out of 7 full siblings, 7 have learning difficulties. There is no formal diagnosis. Naively we hoped it was circumstance…it appears not. But how do I make the world better for boyo or help him fit into the world that we inhabit. I am feeling a bit sad and despairing for him following today. But I know after a good night’s sleep I will feel more positive. I will take up his fight again, and know that there is hope!

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3 Responses to Nature versus nurture

  1. Sezz says:

    If you have hope, you have a future. Hope you’re feeling more positive today x

  2. adoptmum says:

    Whether nature or nurture, diagnosis or circumstance you already have made a difference. His (and your) life may be difficult at times but never ever anywhere near as terrible as it would be if he was in his birth family. I hope this quote is helpful to you. I often try to remember it (and I often go to bed saying “I can’t do this” and get up the next day and do it anyway!). Sending a supportive hug for strength x

    “The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. For every challenge encountered there is opportunity for growth.” – Unknown

  3. onroadtoadopt says:

    Hugs to you. And do remember boyo is a wonderful boy who has a lot to give. I love watching him and Sqk together.

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